


Red

by Anonymous



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Bodily Fluids, Cartoon Physics, Crack, Heartbreak, Inanimate Objects, Making Out, Other, Out of Character, Public Display of Affection, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Wet & Messy, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, no beta we die like men, objectophilia, werewolf ren, zombie cleo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:34:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27129313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Ren of the Dog develops earth shattering desires for a man crafted by a zombie's own two hands.
Relationships: Ren/Mr. Red
Comments: 7
Kudos: 8
Collections: Anonymous





	Red

There he was. Broad chest. Sleek muscles. Skin the color of passion. Handlebar moustache that put Mumbo Jumbo to shame. 

Mr. Red.

Ren took one look at the spunky statue and immediately felt his socks tear off his feet, rocketing the opposite direction, smashing a hole in the main blimp of his own shop. He whipped his head back, lips forming a perfect O shape as he let out an ear splitting "AWOOOOOOGA". Immediately noticing his outburst, he snapped back to a neutral pose in the blink of eye.

Devs, how was he losing his composure this badly? He was Ren. Ren the diggity dog. He set his jaw and marched forward with military precision, ignoring his heart pounding so fast and hard that it caused the entire island to shake. By the time he reached the archway of the entrance sweat was waterfalling down his face, forming a river of saltiness wherever he walked. 

He stood a pace in front of the knockout hunk. It posed proudly behind a see-through box. The glass slowly grew cloudy the longer he admired. For a moment he wondered how Iskall had managed to pull off such an effect, only to realize that it was the humidity of his sweat fogging it up. 

Anything that prevented Ren from gazing upon his carmine lover would simply not do. He whammed his fist through the box, creating a kaleidoscope of litter on the floor. Drool added to the stream of bodily fluids as the towering figure stood unobstructed before him. He reached an unwashed hand towards the vermillion complexion. He trailed it along anything he could reach, from the warts making up his skin to his hard, concrete facial hair. 

Ren leaned his full three hundred and sixty pound sack of meat against the statue. He smothered its face with his lips, smooching every inch above its neck. Wet smacking noises filled the air. His tail swished wildly behind him, blowing mushrooms clean out of the ground thirty feet away. 

As Ren continued to slather liquid affection on the armor stand artistry, the bolts keeping it upright began to creak ominously. Before he could send Sir Cardinal any farther down the road to the Love Shack a loud metallic crunch hit his ears. Suddenly both he and Lord communism went tumbling to the ground. The furry landed face first on top of his warty groom, smashing it to pieces instantly. 

Ren looked down at the damage. His lip trembled, eyes wide with grief. He wailed his misery to the heavens, tears now mingled in the flood around him. He grabbed handfuls of the dissolving nether blocks in his fists. He began stuffing his pockets, wanting to cherish the memory of his inanimate lover for the rest of his showerless days. 

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!". 

Ren froze dead in his tracks. He slowly swiveled his head over his shoulder to see a red faced, furious Cleo ankle deep in a lake of sweat, slobber, and sadness. 

"Oh! Uh, hey Cleo... You look nice today. Did you do something with your hair?"

The undead woman pulled out a sword the size of his entire upper body. 

"You have two seconds to run".

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a story Ren told on stream once upon a time. Long story short, when he was in college he stole a cardboard cutout of a woman in a swimsuit from a pharmacy. 
> 
> Incriminating evidence:  
> https://clips.twitch.tv/TenuousInterestingReubenNomNom


End file.
